Tuesday, 9 July 2013

I Want to be Alone...

...unlike the great Greta Garbo, who wanted to be let alone.  I just want some quality time by myself and with myself.  It is something I find that I am craving, as a woman of a certain age, and after having been married for a number of years. 

I do spend a lot of my days at home alone, while Hubby is at work, but that seems to be something different from what I desire.  Those weekdays are filled with chores, volunteer work and writing.  That is my 'job' if you will.  And it definitely doesn't fit the bill!

So, last weekend I did something I haven't done in a long time.  I planned an outing, specifically just for me.  I felt I needed to plan something to a) give me a purpose for going out and b) so that I could tell Hubby that I had made plans for the day.  I didn't tell him where; that wasn't the point.  It was a bit of a Donna-venture, though nothing major as it was just for the day.

When I told one of my friends, she understood why I wanted some time out, but she was puzzled as to why I would be so secretive.  After thinking about that a bit, I guess it could seem strange.  To me though, it was a way to reinforce the fact that the day was for me.  By not revealing all my plans, they seemed to be more 'mine'.  And to give my hubby his due, after the first time of asking, he didn't press to know what I was doing.

And it was a wonderful day out.  It was nice to be able to just do my own thing, at my own pace, without worrying about whether someone else was having a good time.  It was just what I needed, and I made sure I made the most of it.  In a sense it almost felt like being a teenager again, asserting my independence, making a separation.  Another example of how our lives are a bit like mirrors, the end reflecting back to the beginning.

I lived for many years as a single person at a time when many of my peers were getting married and having children.  I spent a lot of time by myself and some of it was lonely, I can't deny.  But independence and solitude can bring many rewards as well.  I think I forgot that when I got married, as I suspect many people do.  The novelty of being a part of something more than just yourself is exciting.

Over time though, it seems our identities merge into coupledom, both in our own minds, as well as in the minds of those who know us.  Coupledom often becomes safe and secure, though the compromises we make are worth it on the whole.  But then time alone gets lost in the busy bustle of everyday life where it's easy to forget how important it is.

And, to prove that I'm not the only one who feels this way, this coming weekend Hubby is off on his own adventure.  His means of reconnecting is a four-day bicycle trip, camping each night (he's definitely on his own with that - that's why he does it!!!).  He has been planning it for months and is already packed, he's so excited.  So, is this just our weird marriage?  Or have others of you come up with ways to take a time-out?  I'd love to hear some creative ideas...



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