Tuesday, 5 January 2016

5 Reasons Why I’m Feeling Like a Fraud at New Year’s (and at Midlife)

5 Reasons I'm Feeling Like a Fraud at New Year's (and at Midlife)
Image courtesy of Stuart Miles at

I ‘fess up. I just can’t do it again this year. Make resolutions, that is.

I’m feeling like a fraud, at New Year’s and in Midlife, and here’s why:

  1. I have written, within the past six months, several posts about self-acceptance and making big choices. They were serious and heartfelt. But guess what…? I’ve done dick all to change anything. I am seriously getting on my own f**king nerves with this stuff!
  2. I want to be sailing through my midlife with either grace or sass (depending on what mood I’m in at the time!). Again, not doing much to improve my chances. I’m tired, stuck… oh, and now bloated! I can attribute some of the tiredness to my MS. For the other things, there are poor Holiday choices, or… No, there’s no real excuses.
  3. I have made a choice, of sorts, to continue writing. I blogged more last year than I did in 2014, though I’m still not sure it qualifies me to call myself a blogger. Plus then yesterday, I considered opening the Word file of my novel, last saved in August 2014, to see where I left off. I’ll take that as progress!
  4. I love reading advice on writing. There’s some excellent stuff out there. I’m just not sure it applies to me, at least not as life currently goes. “Write your truth!” they say. Yeah, but I’m the queen of denial (and delusion), so that’s not going to work. “Write what scares you!” That’d be great, except I’m too bloody scared! “Write your life!” Which currently consists of procrastinating in 1000 square feet, where pretty much the same thing happens every day. Nothing to see here, folks! Curiously, as I gaze around, so many things in here are brown… just various shades of brown… Shit, I need to get out!
  5. Even though I just wrote, in December, that I was not going to make any resolutions until April 1st this year, so many posts in my Facebook feed were exhorting me to do it now. Some were tricky, reframing resolutions as intentions. Or telling me that goal-setting is better than making resolutions (I already fell for this one!) Like a siren-song, they almost lured me in. BUT, I resisted! Though I like to think I am finally learning something, it’s likely because I was still strung out on left-overs and chocolate!

In all seriousness, I want this healthy dose of snark to give my sorry self a kick in the arse. It is my truth, the best way I can see it, or say it, right now. Truth is also my word for this year – the one New Year’s ritual I did give in to. (It’s a thing – and there should be medication for it!)

And the one thing I can say for myself is that I’m still trying. I may have been less than successful in forty-odd years of resolution making, and it may indeed be because I’m too stubborn and too stupid to quit, but I haven’t given up!

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